Monday, January 17, 2011

Jealous of Me

I'm jealous of me.

Recently, my friend Jen sent me the preliminary copy of her new book, Seven, which will come out next summer. It was based on the concept of Pick Five. In fact, the first line of the book is, "This is all Susana's fault." So it got me thinking of Pick Five, and my whole experience a year and a half ago.

I started reading through some of my old Pick Five posts, and I remembered the feelings, the rawness, the openness that I felt at that time. There is something so amazingly powerful in being completely vulnerable to God.
And I was vulnerable. Then.
I had simplified my life so that I could hear God clearer.
And I could hear Him clearer. Then.

But what about now?

Well, now I look back and I'm jealous of the me that existed then. I'm jealous of the relationship that I had with God then. I'm jealous of the authenticity with which I could speak of the scriptures, because I was in them every day. I'm jealous of the clarity with which I saw the world, and could feel God's love for every individual. I'm jealous of the passionate way that I lived life and expressed my love for the Lord.

And now I'm like a lump. I'm the spiritually fat, numb, complacent me. And I'm jealous for the old me.

Time for change.

"You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place." Revelation 2:3-5