I get here sometimes, and I fight with self aggrandizement. Other times I fight with false humility.
I try to scrutinize my motives, and realize I'd rather say nothing than try to pump out something that wasn't fully from my heart. Even if it sounded awesome.
So, I've been silent for three months.
It kinda tells you the state of my heart. Blah.
But now I'm here. So has something changed? No. Not really. Well, except that I've just realized where I'm at. And I wanna fix it.
What went wrong? Nothing. I let life get busy, and I forgot to leave time to let God speak to me. I had things to say, but they were my things. And who cares about that? (Well, maybe a few people. But that's not what I was going for here.)
It's amazing how we can let hours and days and weeks go by without listening. I talk to God all the time. I've been in prayer. I've laid my burdens at His feet. I've spoken to my friends and neighbors and family about God and how awesome He is and what He requires of us.
But I haven't done any listening.
I'm like a kid who thinks they know how to ride a bike, saying, "I got this one, Mom. I already know how." And then they bite it in the middle of the road.
I don't want to bite it.
So, I'm going to listen. And I'm telling you, because I want you to know. I'm telling you, because I need to for my accountability. I'm telling you, because then I have to do it.
I'm going to listen.
About 30 minutes after I wrote this I read in the book of Ecclesiastes; here's what I got:
"Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few." Eccl. 5:2